Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
