he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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