I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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