I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
