come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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