Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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