I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
