My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My ass is underappreciated
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
