Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
