Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
