So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
