also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Im part way to drunk.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
