You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
