ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
