Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
