Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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