k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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