Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
