9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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