He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Randomize
