I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
