hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
