my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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