he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
