i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
