Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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