Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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