So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
