around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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