did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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