Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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