New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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