Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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