i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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