can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
