On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
