i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
