Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
