If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
