Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
