I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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