we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
