she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
