I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
