Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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