and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
