3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
