I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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