this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
