dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
