You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
