My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
